WELCOME TO PLIT GAMES FORUM
GUEST()

Reply to Thread
Return to thread view
Return to main page

Forum: SC General
Thread: Our military corner.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-07-02 23:05:12
it has come to my attention we have lots of military/police officers playing. post whatever you want about it here.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-07-02 23:06:12
funny story:

This came from a retired SGM, who now lives in Colombia, SC....

How I Entertain Non-Prior Service Women:


I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contains 3000+ calories. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together
to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"-it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavoured" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetisers already made, of MRE Spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of baulked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.



At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say, "What the h**l is WRONG with me?" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.

This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said, "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said, "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.



I know, I'm an a-hole, but it was still a funny night.
Post by: mael(88584)
2005-07-13 05:52:32
yer prolly right about that(there being a lot of uniformed types playing). its verrrry nice to be in the company of such stallwart humans ;))
Post by: Dalvian(38356)
2005-07-20 06:18:05
Great story.
I laughed so hard I wet myself. Then I laughed at that.

For the record. I love MRE's. Part of my MOS was Class I supply. That's food for you that don't know classes of supply..and somehow MRE's are designated as food.

I've found that in a hot climate you can cook an entire meal on the hood of a cutv. In a cold climate you can put it under the hood and get it mostly unfrozen. (This was before they shipped the heaters inside the MRE. They used to be shipped in seperate cases. Never at the same time.)

Enough rambling..but before I go. My favorite meal is a sandwich made of ham slice and peanut butter served between the big crackers. Also, you can use the electolyte drink packs to get a fire going. Those things are flamable.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-07-21 04:36:51
O gosh the multi purpose cracker! DO NOT EAT THE CRACKER UNLESS YOU HAVE A READY SUPPLY OF WATER NEARBY! However they make great tire and boat patches with peanut butter, and I have heard that they also can be used to apply direct pressure to various wounds and are more effective than field dressings due to their ablity to absorb blood. The drink mix (with the exception of iced tea, speaking of which, where the hell do they think we are gonna get ice?) has proven itself the best brass cleaner made.

MRE rules:

1) dont eat the four fingers of death (hot dogs).
2) grilled beef steak is NOT what it sounds like. stray dogs dont eat the grilled beef steak.
3) eat the gum. trust me.
4) the tabasco sauce, however cute must also be used. they but it in there for a reason. (think of it as a lubricant for your digestive system)plus, if it tasted bad enough that they thought you might need it, you need it.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-07-21 04:43:24
how to live like a sailor:


Sleep on a shelf in your cupboard. Replace the cupboard door with a curtain, three hours after you go to sleep have your partner whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight into your eyes and say "Sorry wrong bunk".

Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

Empty all the garbage cans in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees.

Repaint your entire house once a month.

Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do for the day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home. (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.)

Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home because you can't leave until the next day.

Shower with above-mentioned friends.

Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item before giving it to you.

On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

When your family is in bed, run into their rooms with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.

Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more they just ask for hot dogs.

Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been cancelled due to certification training, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads: "Secured - contact OA DIV at X-3053"

Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".

Every 3-4 weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after everyone has gone to bed.

Renovate your bathroom by building a wall across the middle of your bathtub, and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping up.

Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

Take trash out only once a week. Until then, store garbage in the bathroom.

Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart, and then put them back together.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random time during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, being sure to button the top button on your shirt and to stuff your pants into you socks. Run out into your back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

Put oil in your humidifier and set it to "high".

Install a fluorescent lamp under your coffee table, and lie under it to read books.

Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors, so that you either trip over the threshold or bang your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread the icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, and shout, "Man Overboard, Starboard Side".

Run into the kitchen and sweep all pots, pans and dishes off the counter and onto the floor. Yell at your wife and/or the nearest kid for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea".

Put on the headphones from your stereo, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with a piece of string. Go and stand in front of your stove and say -- to nobody in particular -- "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours, then say -- once again to nobody in particular -- "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put the headphone and paper cup in a box.

Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee per pot and allow to sit at least five hours before drinking.

Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks and discarded one out of five.

Surround yourself with 250 people you don’t like, i.e. people who smoke, flatulate loudly, fragrantly, and often, snore like a Mack truck going up hill, and use foul language the way a child uses sugar on cereal.

Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have TIME or NEWSWEEK from two months ago and a PLAYBOY with all the pictures torn out delivered.

Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all pertinent info (i.e.-what’s plugged in, what lights are on, what doors are open etc. ""If not used recently, cover with tags labeled DANGER.

Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of forty people using the same washroom at once. After that flush once daily.

Lock the bathroom door twice a day for a four-hour period.

Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or look like you tangled with a demented sheep sheerer.

Work 18 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares whether it is day or night.

Listen to your favorite Cassette or CD six times every day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite cassette.

Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of the bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in an upright position. Now place it on a platform so that it is about four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal underneath it to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

Set your alarm to go off at ten minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times that watch keepers bump around and wake you up.


Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours.

Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.

Prepare all meals blindfolded, using all the spices you can get your hands on or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in less than three minutes.

Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint everything gray and white.

Every 10 weeks simulate leave in a foreign port. Go directly to the city slums, wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place and ask for the most expensive imported beer they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home using the longest possible route. Tip the cabbie after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a ratio varying from a fast drip and a weak trickle with the temperature alternating rapidly between 1 degree and 120 degrees.

Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day, especially in the bathroom.
Post by: philldodilldo(22259)
2005-07-21 19:54:54
i dont get it...
Post by: Dalvian(38356)
2005-07-21 20:24:08
How to live like a soldier.

Wake up two hours early every morning and run around in circles for an hour with at least 100 people who drank heavily the night before and haven't showered yet. If it's raining increase the distance by at least a mile.

Show up at least 15 minutes early for everything and stand perfecltly still until 15 minutes after you were supposed to be there.

Iron all of your clothes with so much starch that you can barely move and then roll around in the mudd for half the day. After rolling around in the mud have your boss inspect you to make sure your clothes are cleaned and pressed.

Store all of your camping gear in the back of a shed. In front of it place every outdated appliance you own. Once a month take out the camping gear, set it up in a parking lot, and clean it. Then put it back in the shed.

Dig a fox hole perfect for your height in your back yard. Have several of your bosses stand around it for an hour and tell you how you did it wrong. Fill in the foxhole and start a new one right next to it.

Go camping with 100 of the most obnoxious people you know. You must pick either the coldes or hottest day of the year. To start gather everyone in a parking lot at 1 in the morning. Line up everyones vehicile and keep them running until departure time. Leave the parking lot at 5am.

Once at the camp site set up all of your tents (Which must be at least 50 years old) and dig fox holes in any area that contains tree roots or is close to the water table. Stay in the foxhole until your boss gives the all clear. This will be at 6 pm. You should be in full chemical gear until this time.

Post by: mael(88584)
2005-11-05 05:24:14
Marines


LIGHT INFANTRY, ISN'T

1. Witness some poor lance cooley get office hours for shooting over the burm and endangering the swarthy locals.

Relocate 200 miles.

Witness some poor lance cooley get office hours for NOT properly endangering swarthy locals.

2.Stand in formation on tarmac in complete combat load at 0-dark thirty. Wait 2 hours on troop transport trucks. When trucks arrive, right face, forward march. Watch trucks drive by. Hump 8,10,14, or 20 miles (depends on some criteria no-one knows and is subject to change anyway). Arrive at destination to see trucks.

Repeat daily for 30 days.

Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-05 09:01:37
scary Navy sayings:

Seaman: "I learned this in "A" school....."
Petty officer: "I learned this on my last ship....."
Chief: "here, lemme show you a trick i learned....."
Ensign " at the Academy they taught it this way...."
Chief Warrent Officer: "check this sh$# out....."
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-05 09:09:51
Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short

All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

When your attack is going really well, its an ambush

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

The enemy inevitably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.



Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-05 09:11:08
Rules of the Rucksack

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.


Phillip's Law:
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:
1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Napier's Corollary
If all else fails hide.

Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):
You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-05 09:12:36
Rules of a Gunfight


Avoid them like the plague

Be aware of what is going on around you by staying in condition yellow.

Have a plan or two. (If not, a "Last Will & Testament will do.)
Corollary: No plan survives contact with the enemy.

Bring at least one gun (don't bring a knife).

Bring the biggest gun you can handle.

Bring friends (as friendly witnesses or fire support).*

Let close air support or artillery soften-up the target for you. ;-)

Make use of available cover.

Remember the difference between concealment and cover.

Don't get shot (Use cover to your advantage).

Place your shots well.

Pay attention to where your shots fall.

"Speed's fine, but accuracy is final."

Don't miss. (You can't miss fast enough to win.)

Rules of drawing

If you're the bad guy, draw & shoot first.

If you're the good guy, draw second and shoot first.

Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down.

Rules of wounds

A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If you're bleeding to death, say something witty.

If you're actually dying, say something deep.

Never assume your opponent is out of ammo.

Bring lots of ammo.

In combat, you will be scared. You will have a tendency to shoot high. Be aware of this and aim low.

Rules of quitting

Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN!

Never quit, period.

There is no prize for second place.

There's no such thing as "unfair advantage."

He who lives to run away will live to run another day (the best strategy is being somewhere else).

It is better to give than receive (Just like Christmas).

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to "Count Off!" before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere.

When the cops pull up, think fast and move slow.

Say nothing afterwards but the Seven Magic Words: "I'd like to speak with my attorney."

Distribute press releases indicating you target belongs to a cult.*

Drop the one with the shotgun first.

Afterward, alter evidence to favor your position and plan for perjury.*

Use cutesy green-and-purple colored weapons and ammo so the press won't show any video of your non-evil-looking equipment. Fuzzy rifle-wrap works best.

Insist on at least $50K from tabloid TV producers
Post by: philldodilldo(22259)
2005-11-05 14:08:59
sigh, didnt know its pretend ur like phill day and make long posts... :P
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:20:29
45 Reasons to Re-Enlist
1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.

2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do.

3. WWWDWOA? (what would we do without acronyms?)

4. Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics before doing them.

5. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more complicated than picking my nose.

6. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of the 300 thousand people in the military who out-rank me.

7. Being an adult and having somebody inspect me everyday to make sure I put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet.

8. Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside.

9. I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding.

10. Without the military’s influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains.

11. There just aren’t that many jobs out there where you can rest assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any way they possibly can.

12. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every morning for a "meeting".

13. Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am on leave.

13. Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled " not fit for human consumption" and "for institutional use only."

14. Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was "randomly" picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without having ever been caught doing drugs in my life.

15. Waking up every morning and going to "staff meeting" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the offices internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.

16. Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain and being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day.

17. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my sister's pet iguana's.

18. Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully request to get a different one. Event then it is only if my "chain of command" permits.

19. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they wear on their collar or sleeve.

20. I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those rules ourselves has nothing to do with it.

22. I hate good food.

23. I love the " you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.

24. I hate spending time with my family.

25. Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many additional duties as my chain of command wants to give me.

26. Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep terrorists from hacking into our email or even playing a innocent game of solitaire.

27. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.

28. What? You are going on leave?

29. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too?

30. Is that local time or Zulu?

30. I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so that they can take half if I mess up.

31. If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager, assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that they can all chew my ass.

32. Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every year only please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old NCOs and Officers.
34. Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck?

35. You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you.

36. Because only during magic shows and military working hours are the rules of logic suspended.

37. Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted.

38. Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and jacked up whether they need it or not?

39. Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with?

40. Because if you've had enough military #### for one lifetime and you want to quit, you can rest assured that the military will do everything it can to screw you over for the rest of your life.
41. Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out and have the tech point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other one."

42. Why did our parents even bother giving us first names?

43. IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the "MILITARY WAY"?

44. Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about 4:00pm, even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really fun to do every DAGGOM DAY...it builds character.

45. Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway?
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:26:51
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:33:56
A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The policy was to check 100% of ID cards including military in uniform. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both ID cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station CO and didn't have time for such nonsense....

Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."

...PFC to driver: "Don't do that."

...Admiral to driver: "You heard me, Drive on."

...PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45:

"Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"

The admiral showed his ID.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:37:21
Which Service is Best?

A soldier, a sailor, an airman, and a marine get into an argument about
what armed force is the best. The argument gets so heated that they fail
to see an on-coming truck. They are hit and killed instantly. When they
arrive in heaven, they see Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. So they
decide he can settle their argument. They walk up and ask him, "Saint
Peter, what Military Service is the best?" He thinks for a moment, then
says, "Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you. But I'll tell you what. I'll
talk to God next time I see Him, and I'll find out for you. In the mean
time, welcome to heaven." So they enter. Later, they see Saint Peter
while walking around, and they ask him about their question. But before
Saint Peter can say anything, trumpets blare, a bright light shines, and
a white dove flies out of the light with an envelope in it's beak. Saint
Peter says, "Ah, here's the answer from the Boss." He takes the letter,
and the dove flies off. He opens it, trumpets play, gold dust flies up,
and Saint Peter reads aloud:

FROM THE DESK OF GOD

TO: SOLDIERS, SAILORS, AIRMEN, AND MARINES

RE: WHICH SERVICE IS BEST.

Dear Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines,
All branches of the United States Armed forces are truly honorable.
One should take pride in serving with the Military. You are all
well-trained men, all capable of pulling off your job exceedingly well.
Therefore, there is no superior service.

Sincerely,
God, USN (Ret.)

Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:41:04
Never mess with a MP...

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone MP standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the MP sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the MP stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The MP ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The MP ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The MP ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one MP destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:41:34
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said,
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:43:57
Comparison of courage

Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!" said Army, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the Private, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps were here," he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)

He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"

The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Admiral says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face the Admiral, their faces in disbelief. The Admiral calls a Seaman over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my ass first!" and walks off.

The Admiral turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:55:07

US Army telephone answering machine.

We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified

If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 07:56:44
Rules of dating a NCO's daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."


Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 08:07:13
FOR HILLBILLY:"Old" Iraqi Information Minister quotes/quotations:

"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"
- Just after the Coalition started it's bombing campaign

"With respect to the situation in Al-Faw, the British told big lies. In Al-Faw, our forces' positions remained in place."

"These mercenaries and hirelings kidnapped civilians in the Al-Faw Peninsula so that they might claim that they captured Iraqi soldiers."

"We counted 19 missiles that landed in a small area of Baghdad."
(Coalition forces claimed that over 300 missiles and bombs hit Baghdad that night)

"I think that the Iraqi ground defenses shot down dozens of missiles. We are in the process of counting all these missiles quickly"

"These are not ordinary human beings. They are criminals. As a matter of fact, they are criminals, both by nature and by training. By nature, because they are not decent. They are criminals."
"Big institutions in this imperial state, in this evil US empire, prepare their politicians to become criminals."

"God willing, we will throw them into the sea."

"We will get them stuck in the mud and we will certainly defeat them."
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
Al-Jazeera TV 22 March

"A small number of peasants - brave peasants - shot down two Apaches"
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 24 March

"During the battles last night and at dawn, they ( Ba'th Socialist Party fighters) had destroyed three American helicopters"

".....they had burnt and destroyed around 30 vehicles, including tanks and APC's and damaged three enemy helicopters. God bless the fighters of the Arab Socialist Ba'th Party."

"No one received them (the coalition forces) with roses.
They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets."
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
Al-Jazeera TV 25 March

"Up till now, they are only on dock No. 10, not in Umm Qasr, not in the city,"

"They want to deceive their people first because now they are in a very shabby situation,"

"It's a small town, it has only a few docks ... now they are in a trap."

"Iraqi forces are still in control of the city, and they are engaging in an attrition war with the enemy."
After the British Brig. Jim Dutton said that the southern port city of Umm Qasr, where a fierce battle between dug-in Iraqi forces and coalition fighters raged over the weekend, is in control of coalition forces.

"Americans are now in disarray"

"They try to engage the world as much as they can and we will continue until they leave our land."

"They are again in the dirt in the desert"

"They will try to enter Baghdad, and I think this is where their graveyard will be"
"Their objective is to get to the outskirts of Baghdad. So be it"
"We will see how the issue will turn out when they come to Baghdad."

"Iraq will spread them even more and chop them up."
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 27 March

"How can you lay siege to a whole country? Who is really under siege now? Baghdad cannot be besieged."

"This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra. The Americans are the people who are under siege."

"The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them."

"Until now they have refused to do battle with us. They are just going places."

"One can describe them as a boa: when it feels threatened, it runs to somewhere else."

"The Cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river."

"...over the past two days, we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."

"We want to tell him (Blair) that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
Abu Dhabi TV 2022 GMT, 27 March

"Let's go and do jihad"
"Whoever dies will be rewarded by heaven."

"Hit them. Fight them. They are cursed; they are evil"
"We will be victorious, and they will be defeated.

"The Iraqi troops and the Iraqi fighters are in control of all the places, as we have witnessed,
No big change in that. We are fighting against them."

"They are achieving nothing, they are suffering from casualties. Those casualties are increasing, not decreasing,"

"Fight them everywhere. Don't give them a chance to breathe until they withdraw and retreat."
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 1 April.
In a statement on Iraqi TV

"They are lying every day. They are lying always, and mainly they are lying to their public opinion,"

"What they say about a breakthrough is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places."
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 2 April

"The authority of the civil defense ... issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps,"
"I am not talking about the American people and the British people,
I am talking about those mercenaries. ... They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children."
The Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf said that coalition forces were throwing booby traps in the form of pens and pencils into Iraqi villages and townships.

Al-Sahaf also said the Iraqis have "shot down a lot of those cruise missiles" and said war's impact was "trivial."

"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place"
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 2 April

"They've not been able to control any Iraqi city. We're waging war against this snake and we will be victorious."
"They are going to surrender or be burned in their tanks. They will surrender, it is they who will surrender."
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 3 April

"Make the land of Islam a burning fire that burns their faces and feet wherever they pass"

"We are determined to defeat them and destroy them on the walls of our capital, as we are determined to destroy their miserable armies in every Muslim spot."
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 4 April

"The criminals will be humiliated... To hurt the enemy more, raise the level of your attacks."
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 5 April

"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport,"

"Those who ran away are now outside the distant perimeter wall of the airport. Now they're outside the wall and the heroic Republican Guard is now in control of the whole area of Saddam International Airport. So where are those villainous louts, those mercenaries?"

"The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."

"We have crushed the whole force which dared to venture there. They were on the runway at Saddam International Airport. That force was crushed"

"Their casualties and bodies are many. Their equipment and vehicles, several were destroyed,"

"They are still trying to bomb with artillery and rocket-propelled grenades to hit the Republican Guard who are controlling Saddam International Airport."

"God willing we'll slaughter them all"
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 6 April
Al-Sahaf denied the report that U.S. forces had moved into the heart of Baghdad from the south and the southeast, a day after securing the airport, west of the Iraqi capital (5. April).
He said the Republican Guard has control of Saddam International Airport after fighting a fierce battle.
Al-Sahaf said he would take reporters to the airport later in the day, after it was cleaned up.

"The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad... Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected. Iraqis are heroes."

"One hundred infidels committed suicide as they entered the holy city of Baghdad. Their tanks will become their tombs."

"We will in fact encourage them to commit more suicides. We have given them death and poison."

"There is no presence of the American columns in the city of Baghdad at all. We besieged them and we killed most of them."

"As our leader Saddam Hussein said, "God is grilling their stomachs in hell.""

"The soldiers of Saddam Hussein have given them a lesson they will never forget,"

"These mercenaries, I swear by God, those who are still in Washington, they have sent their troops to be burned."

"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."

“Don't repeat the lies of the liars.”
- Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, 7 April
With American tanks occupying the Baghdad parade ground, he stood calmly a couple of hundred yards away, on the roof of the Palestine Hotel, to tell reporters that none of this was really happening.

Miscellaneous funny quotes by the Iraqi Information Minister

"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
- Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf

My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.

Our initial assessment is that they will all die.

These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying.

We will slaughter them; Bush Junior, and his international gang of bastards!

The insane little dwarf, Bush.

The midget, Bush, and that Rumsfeld deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere.

Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.

Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld; they are the funny trio.

There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!

I blame Al-Jazeera. They are marketing for the Americans.

The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!

Let the American infidels bask in their illusion.

They are most welcome. We will butcher them.

Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.

Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire.

I speak better English than this villain, Bush.

Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly.

They are becoming hysterical. This is the result of frustration.

They think we are retarded. They are retarded.

Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them.

Today, the tide has turned, we are destroying them.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-11-07 08:48:51
DoD's Twelve Days of Christmas
The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas.

Status of acquisitions follows:

Day 1 - Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDepsTank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked offshore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.

Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.

Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty.

Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05.

As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a High OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.
Post by: mael(88584)
2005-11-10 03:27:09
Once upon a time, my squad was doing night patrols on a jungle island. In theory, we were supposed to at some point link up with the rest of the platoon and do some interesting things to suprised people.

Here is an exerpt of what actually came to pass.

Moving in total darkness (remote location+new moon+ cloud cover+ canopy cover-redlights-cat eyes)

Moving in "total" silence. Hand and arm signals only. See above.

Walk, walk, walk, trudge, trudge, trudge. Repeat.

someone whispers 'where the hell are we?'
shhhhhh!
-no man, this is f'd up....like bad
-shhhh
-keep it down back there!
-somebody shut that boot up!
-you owe me boot! come see me when we get to the rear
-naw man, this is b'll sh't...we's lost as f'
-what do you know boot? now, shut the hell up

signal is passed to halt, and assume defensive position along the line of movement. (its actually hard to tell if anyone is facing outboard or not...Im hoping so)

-fireteam leaders up
(it takes several minutes, despite having been in this impenetrable darkness for hours, theres not enuff light for even the most 'adjusted' eyes to see diddly squat)

-somebody break out a poncho

rustle, rustle, whisper, rustle

a redlight comes on..a map appears

its the standard milspec red light readable map, you know the one.

-where the f' are we?
-iono
-hrmmmm
-is this the stream weve been wading in for the last 2 hours?
-stream my ass..its a friggin canal, or river or something
-okay, so, *ponder, ponder, ponder*
-gimme some terrain features, whats it look like?
-its too dark
-huh?
-its too dark to see, we could be on the top of a damn hill..and wouldnt be able to tell, theres no way to know where the f we are.
-somebody get on the radio
-no
-shit
-ok, we keep moving, pay attn to the terrain, and i'll try to get some bearings
-roger
-on it
-roger

redlight out, map and poncho secured.

In a loud whisper * Saddle up gents, we're on the road*

walk, walk, walk, trudge, trudge, trudge

-hey, whos on point?
-X
-X?? hes useless!
-thats why
walk, walk, walk, trudge, trudge, trudge

-psst
-PSST
-hey
-WHAT??
-Lomax has a prollem
-what
*whisper, whisper,whisper*
-you gotta be shittin me??,,when?
-a while back, at the last stop he thinks
-OMFG,JFC!!! HE THINKS??? FRBAHSBMFDS ARRRRGH!!!
-go find his stupid ass and gettem overhere
-roger

a tap on my harness, sightless groping is more like it. Its Sgt. Matt 'Quickdraw' McClean, arguably one of the finest Marine infantrymen ever to live.
-whatsup?
-Lomax lost his f'n rifle
-*sigh*
-where?
-at our last stop
-and hes just now bringing it up? or have you known?
-just got the word
-f'n boot

the approach of a boot is heard in the brush, presumeably Lomax, a product of some inner city, he's incapable of moving quietly, or keeping his rifle in his hands for that matter.

-Lomax, WTF?
inert standard drivel and excuses here

-F!!, ok..Lomax, youre with me,grab my harness, and dont fall on your ass, you fall, and ill drag you. You, set security , YOU STAY until i get back or it gets light enuff to navigate. Then move out.

about an hour later, they return

-saddle up gents, we're moving out

its still verrrrrry dark

*a twig snaps somewhere up ahead*
*a muffled crump sorta noise*
* another muffled crump*
trudge, trudge, trudge
another muffled crump

a groping hand hits my chest
-stop
-theres a drop-off here, get on your ass and scooch forward
-how big is it?
-dunno
-anybody been hurt?
-dunno, dont think so
-roger
scooch, scooch, scooch
*another muffled crump* this time its me..
-get outta the way...more coming
-roger

crump
crump
crump
crump

-headcount
-poncho
-flashlight

-ahh..here we are, according to the map, thats a 20 ft. drop..which puts us right here.

-I tol you we were f'n lost
-shutup dumbass, we were never lost
-were too
-listen boot. We're Marines, on an island, looking for other Marines. All we have to do is walk in a straight line till we hit saltwater, turn left, follow the beach, and eventually we'll find other Marines. You cant get lost on an f'ing island!
-Now, saddle up gents, we're on the road.








Post by: mael(88584)
2005-12-01 00:23:59
ATTN VERY,VERY UN-PC



Enjoy the latest directives,

Semper Fi,



The following directive was issued by the commanding officer
of a naval installation somewhere in the Middle East, and it
was obviously directed at the Marines. Everyone knows the
Marines are a department of the Navy - The Men's Department!!

Anchor-Clankers just never have had a sense of humor.

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off
base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the
Middle East:

"Eat Pork Or Die" (both English and Arabic versions)

"Shrine Busters" (Various. Show burning minarets or
bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with
unit logos.)

"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" (Both English and Arabic versions)



"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." (Both English
and Arabic versions)

"The road to Paradise begins with me." (Mostly Arabic versions
but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs)

"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." (Both Arabic and
English versions)

"Pork. The other white meat." (Arabic version)

"Infidel" (English, Arabic and other coalition force
languages.)

3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges
upon receipt of this directive.

4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this
message:

"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range
At 0800 Daily."

"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb
bastards?"

5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity
training upon receipt.

Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2005-12-14 08:33:56
"Central, Alpha one, I am 10-7"

"Alpha one(a-1)(station called, me.), central-(dispatch-station calling), what is the nature of the problam?"

"central, vic(vehicial)#577 (the watch commander, my vic)is down"

"10-4 a-1, what is the problam with the vic?"

"central, I believe its in the driveline"

"copy that a-1, what is the nature of the problam?"

"central, a-1..... its a ford."

no response.

hows that for humor?
Post by: philldodilldo(22259)
2005-12-14 13:27:02
Hey loool that was me in central wasnt it ROFL
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2006-01-20 06:33:27

I have a deployment bankie. My wife crocheted it for my first married deployment, in 1995, based on my biggest complaint on the ship that the a/c either kept it too hot or too cold for the regular wool U.S. Navy blanket in the berthing spaces. Out of love, stitch-by-stitch a blanket emerged. A marvelous pattern of blue, white, gold and a few other colors thrown in for good measure, sailed the west Pacific ocean with me. I think its first trip, my bankie and i traveled 32,000 miles or so, joyfully warm or cool to distant lands with far sounding names. Almost 11 years later and hundreds of thousands more miles of snuggly warmness, bankies time has come. A shadow of its former glory, the years and miles show on bankie more than they do on me. Regulated to living room couch duty, holes show through this great and mighty traveler of love. Bankie is getting replaced. A much younger DeGraff family member has volunteered to pour forth the love and work necessary to ensure Daddy’s bankie is just right. Stitch by stitch her tiny fingers weave mighty threads into the pattern of the next deployment partner for this humbled man. I can only wonder who I'll have to tell this story to so they can understand why her daddy's bankie is.........pink.
Post by: mael(88584)
2006-01-20 06:37:56
Dang Sent, thats cool. and woe on the first whos foolish enuff to snigger ;))
Post by: SkydiveMike(86286)
2006-01-20 07:53:23
that is way cool Sent!
Post by: Dalvian(38356)
2006-01-20 09:04:37
Oh man, that brought a tear to Dalvian's eye. No laughing here. That was a very touching story.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2006-01-23 11:12:30
good, dalv. hate to have even think about hurting someone as cool as you!:-)
Post by: philldodilldo(22259)
2006-01-23 19:20:55
*snicker... sorry couldnt help it jim.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2006-01-24 04:30:00
consider your health threatened.... you know a fathers love is unconditional.... (she keeps asking if i'll like it, alls i can do is smile and say yes......)
Post by: philldodilldo(22259)
2006-01-24 12:09:17
ROFL as if my health isnt threatened already...
Post by: Dalvian(38356)
2006-01-25 06:56:38
I have a teddy bear that travelled with me to Somalia and South Korea, plus a around the country. He's a worn and well loved little teddy bear. Gift from a friend in the long long ago.
Post by: jddegraff(43958)
2006-01-26 00:24:57
you had gorgon all this time?
Post by: Gorgon(27256)
2006-01-26 08:10:08
I resent that ;)
Post by: SkydiveMike(86286)
2006-01-26 08:47:16
you resent it, where did you send it too and why did it come back in the first place?
Reply to Thread

Total Users: 608
Total Forums: 20
Total Threads: 2075
Total Posts: 21661
Logout